Hey dreamers, I can’t believe it has been such a long time since I talked to you. It’s not that I forgot about you or anything like that. It’s more the opposite, I have been thinking about you a lot, hoping that I could start writing again.
Today I wanted to give you a little life update on why things haven’t been the way they used to. I can’t wait to share new stuff with you very soon, but first I wanted to make things a little clear.
Lately, thoughts have been going through my mind, like a bomb exploded inside. I am excited but scared and most of all confused. It feels like I know I have to jump in a big swimming pool knowing that I can’t swim.
Last year I was in my last year of high school. I really wanted to go to filmschool, to study production design. I worked really hard on my portfolio but wasn’t accepted to the school. So I started with a photography course. After a few months I realised that photography wasn’t really what I wanted to do as a job. I felt like I couldn’t put all my creativity in it. So this year I decided to send an admission to the filmacademie again. So the last few weeks I have been working extremely hard on my portfolio. Which resulted in getting through the first round! I had to do more assignments for the admission at home and I had to work very hard for my photography course. Combining the too was difficult and I can not believe that I was able to finish the assignments for both.
When I had an appointment at the filmschool I realised how much my life would change if I would be accepted to go to school there. It would mean that I would move to Amsterdam on my own and that I have to leave so many things I love behind. I got scared, insecure and sad. This year I started so many amazing things, I started acting which is like my favourite thing ever! I love the group of people who I connected with. I just can’t except the fact that I have to give that up. Beside that I have my amazing class and such a good friend at the photography course who I love so deeply. They bring me so much joy, have so much humor and respect me for who I am. When I am spending time with them, I realise how much I am going to miss them.
I don’t want to leave all of that! Amsterdam seems great and I know that production design is what I want to do. But leaving friends, acting, the countryside, cycling, my family and all of that, makes me so extremely scared.
Letting go has always been the worst thing for me and it will always be. I know that it is good to start new things and get out of my comfort zone, but all these things make me so happy and I just want to hold on to them. Reflecting to me is about seeing the negative and positive things in life and hold on to the positive. When it comes to the negative I feel that we should change those into positives, so we create a life we love. But when life gets hectic it feels like you have to choose, when you don’t want to. A few years ago I was so unhappy with my life, I am so grateful that I finally got these beautiful things in my life and now I feel like have to give it up.
All of this is confusing and has been going through my mind a lot. It caused me to lose my enthusiasm about production design a bit, when I know that I will love it and it really is what I want to do. All this mess in my head made me realise how much I missed blogging. Writing to you is so therapeutic and made me feel so good, productive and energized. I am scared that life will get busy again and that I feel like I don’t have time. But I want to make it a priority again, because I love it so much.
Right now I am just trying to figure things out and try to focus on the positive. The most stress is over already because all the hard work is done now. I am going to enjoy my little school break and enjoy my time as much as I can. Taking a step back and spending time doing things that I love always helps me to put my mind somewhere else.
What do you guys do when feeling like you have to let go of things you love?
I can’t wait to talk to you all soon!